Anxiety, Funny, Health, hypochondria, hypochondriac, Life, panic, panic attacks, Self Help

One Elephant, Two Elephants..

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One Elephant, Two Elephants – The Death of A Hypochondriac

This is where the elephants come in.

Im guessing, that if you have ever suffered a Panic Attack (PA) then you know what I am talking about. But for those, that have been lucky enough not to have to do the one elephant, two elephants – then I best just explain what they are before I post again. Because yes, most days involve elephants and so will my posts invariably.

Today was a good example of an elephant day. Unfortunately, the elephants didn’t work and I ended up in a hospital. I haven’t frequented a hospital for maybe 6-8 months (due to the elephants failing) so I consider that quite an achievement.

Anyway, today was a supernova day for a PA event.

Imagine just going through the day, minding your own business, only for a comet to come hurtling in and blindingly light up your day with a huge explosion. Only for it to then disappear and leave a trail of dust and all sorts of yucky stuff. Bang.

That is sort of what a PA is like. It comes from nowhere. Turns your day upside down in an instant. Leaves you with nothing but crap after that.

I hate expletives. However, the sense of complete an utter uselessness that evolves from a PA, leaves you with no other words.

So anyway, this comet has hit you now and it has to be dealt with one way or another. Its too big an event to be ignored and it will always manifest itself by using the one thing that that you truly do need. Your heart. Your heart which was ticking along at a nice sedentary rate impromptuly decides to put it’s foot on the accelerator. And I am not talking about accelerating from 40mph to 60mph. More like 40mph to 150mph in 1 second.

Hey, where was the warm up?

It’s happening. You know it’s happening. You aren’t going to be able to stop it happening.

Got to check my pulse. Maybe it’s just my imagination.

Out comes the heart rate app. WARNING – HEART RATE APPS ARE GOOD AND BAD THINGS.

I have downloaded on my phone a heart rate app that is incredibly useful for moments like this. But is incredibly stupid to have on your phone if you are hypochondriac.

Oh help. It’s high. My heart rate is high.

I can get my breath. I can’t get my breath.

My heart rate. I’ve got to get it down.

I scramble for a seat. Because I can’t stand. Im even more breathless standing. I have to crouch over my knees. It seems that that helps. Not much.

I need to check my pulse. Is it still high. Why is it high? Why does it do this? I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

Innnnnnnnn through the nostrils.

Hold breath.

One el-e-phant.

Two el-e-phant.

I can’t get my elephant to be elephants. I can’t count the elephants. I can’t get my breath. I have to take a breath. 

It’s not a very good breath.

Hang on, I’ve got a pain in back. In the middle again. Is that my heart? Sorry thats an ism interruption. Back to the PA.

It wasn’t a very good breath. I still couldn’t catch it. My breath. So I try the elephants again.

IN through the nostrils. Hold breath.

One ellleeeeppphaannt. Holding breath.

Two ellleeeeppphaants. Holding breath.

Three elleeppphaants. Holding breath.

Four elleepphants. Holding breath.

Five eleephants. Holding breath.

Six elephants and OUT.

I remember to exhale slowly and this process is repeated probably about 5 or 6 times.

Of course, elephants are used because you are supposed to try told hold your breath for so many seconds. But have you ever tried holding your breath and actually manage to count seconds in the middle of a heart rate explosion? That’s like asking a child to count to ten during hide and seek!

So elephants are used to make sure you count proper seconds. If you try saying elephant it should be take about a second to do that rather than counting one, two three. You get the jist.

That being said, elephants are just as difficult to count as one, two, three when your heart rate is exploding through the roof. In fact, doing anything other than sit and pant like you’ve just run a marathon in 1 minute, is just not going to happen. I guess thats because your heart rate HAS just completed it’s own marathon. No legs were required.

So the elephants are there to help. To ease that period from a huge comet of adrenalin and bring you back to some kind of space where the stars just twinkle reminding you there is peace somewhere.

I never get to that space though. What happens after a PA?

Well, you’ve just run a marathon, haven’t you?

Exhaustion and the paranoia of waiting for the next hit. Thats what’s on the menu for the rest of the day.. that’s the dust and yucky stuff.

Anxiety, Funny, Health, health anxiety, hypochondria, hypochondriac, Life, panic, panic attacks, Self Help

The Death Of A Hypochondriac

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The Death Of a Hypochondriac.

Say’s it all really.

Either the hypochondria in me will die. It will be defeated by the end of writing this blog.

Or I will die as a result of some disease that has been festering inside my body whilst living the, oh so joyous, life of being a hypochondriac.

That or a sudden cardiac event most probably.

I don’t expect this blog to be read by anyone. Im not entirely sure I want anyone to read it.

That’s maybe a lie.

On the ‘off-chance’ someone does happen upon this blog, then you might find it all slightly amusing.

Living the life of a hypochondriac is hard work. It’s a full-time occupation. I am hoping by the end of this blog it will be more of a part-time hobby, if that.

Maybe, I will exceed all expectations and achieve a level of sanity, normality – that every day, I enviously persuade myself, everyone else lives.

‘My isms’

Just so you know,  my train of thought may be interrupted from time to time by ‘my isms’. Pretty often to be precise.

‘My isms’ are my Health Anxiety (HA) symptoms. But I will just call them, my isms. I guess, they are my set of ‘beliefs’ or ‘persuasions’ – they flash into my head out of nowhere and then take hold of my whole sense of self, sometimes fleetingly but more than often for a lot longer than that. Anyway, you will notice them throughout this blog. Thats just the way it is.

Plot

What’s the plot?

Well, this plan is a full recovery. Being a hypochondriac day to day, is like living life full of contradictions, irony and conflict. It’s very tiring.

By spending time, typing away on this blog – perhaps there will be some huge revelation? My mind might just rewire itself and I can halt this continual slide into an adrenaline fuelled abyss.

Perhaps not.

Im just going to get on with it and see.

Layout

It’s going to be a ‘diary’ type blog. Bit like Adrian Mole or Bridget Jones. That kind of thing.

So no chapters. Just entries.

Chapters mean I have to kind of pre-plan everything don’t I? Each chapter has to have a purpose or a direction. Im not sure I can achieve that.

My life doesn’t have chapters. It has entries. One entry might be the same as the other with superficial differences.

Perhaps I will introduce Chapters later on? If there appears to be a direction or some kind of defining change of path. I think that makes sense.

My hands are freezing. Why is that?

Cold house. Poor circulation?

Evidence again of my impending Heart Attack.

Cigarette Break (CB).

My hearts racing after that.

Okay, so that’s my isms. They interrupt the flow of my day. Often taking hold of my day like some kind of cloud that floats above my head and drops down every so often to cause everything to become a bit foggy.

Not sure if that is a good way of describing it.

Let me see if I can think of a better way..

It’s a bit like having another person in your head. A voice that pops in and has a conversation with you. The person isn’t very welcome but is your friend at the same time. I say friend because you are so used to that person being there all the time.

That sounds like there is something seriously wrong with me?

Maybe, there is something really wrong with me. Maybe Im schizophrenic?

No, its normal isn’t it?

See, this is the problem. It’s the way I think. I have always thought like this. But for some reason, it’s a lot worse than it used to be. I can usually rationalise these thoughts. Pretty much always – eventually.

But for that time when it’s not rationalised its like being stuck in a lift and you don’t know when those doors are going to open. Bringing those isms back to a place which is ‘normal’ or ‘rational’ is a work in progress lets just say.

Going to have to go. Kids school run coming up. This is a hurdle. Impending sense of doom, not from the kids being home – it’s the having to go out the house bit and maybe chat to some other people without having to introduce the ‘one elephant, two elephants..’.

Here we go..